epic haiku

on being scared and it being okay

I hate this part. Getting used to something enough to be comfortable again and feeling torn between the good of going back and the good of staying. I just about go crazy when I am home trying to keep my head together, and going back to school is never the same as it was the semester before. This seems to be the age of nothing constant.

My mom had me take the MMPI yesterday. (My parents own a counseling practice, in case you didn’t know.) It’s a test to figure out what sort of psychological issues you may have. Mom is always wanting me to do stuff like this. It’s good on one level because it keeps me in touch with how I need to grow, and it’s also bad because I tend to over think things. I said several times last semester how I realized that while my parents are very concerned about my obsessive and over analytical tendencies, they themselves obsess and over analyze my tendencies. I have a hard time balancing the opinions of what people assume I am with who I actually am. I seem like such a “go getter” or whatever when I am with people, and yet I am very introverted in my own way. I really got a hold of that last semester thanks to my roommate. We were having a conversation about things we wouldn’t have known about each other if we didn’t room together and she said she would never had even thought I was as introverted as I am. This helps me understand why I recoil from contact with people when I am home. People here have given me such a hard time about what a people person I am and force me to be this rabble rouser or something, and that’s just not me. I am a people person, but not in a crazy “hey everybody, let’s party!” sort of way. I care about people and I want to be with them, most of the time. I can’t deal with falseness though, so when I feel like I am getting fed a load of shit from someone I need time by myself to hurl it all back up. I think basically growing up isn’t done and I need my mom… to be in another state, even though I miss her lots, and I need my teddy bear- Norman.