epic haiku

"I am aware!"

(The title is a tribute to the Jman, for those of you who should know that and are slow.)

The things I have become the most aware of about myself in the last year is how loved I am and how hard it is for me to show anger. These things go hand in hand as I am unable to recoginize love when I am in denial of my anger. Also, when I deny anger I am not able to be honest with the people I love. This has been huge. I am learning to tell people point blank when I need space, learning to reach out when I do need them and generally just being.

On my cell phone since this summer I have as my "banner" one word: etre- the French for be. I picked this creed up from the wonderful film by Krzysztof Kieslowski, Red. The end (which I finally made it to after falling asleep twice, I think, trying to finish it... once with Katzman) is summed up with a plea from one protaginist to the other to just be- just be.

To be one must know what one needs. I have been told this is something I am good at, but I am realizing that many area's of my life I am definitly not good at this. I started making a list of things I need in my head and the main one is clarity. I need to be clear about my relationships with the people, things, and responsiblities around me. Who is the "third person" that makes up the essense of a relationship with another person? Why do I keep so many glass bottles? Do they mean anything? Am I responsible to keep everything I can concieve a possible future use for? These things have been known to plague me. As much as I have learned to master my thoughts and feelings in regards to anxiety, I feel like I perhaps may have gained a new "belt" so to speak in my self-awarness skills.

Something else I have realized that is tied to all of this is how angry I am with God in moments when I should have faith. I see so clearly in retrospect how He has made His paths clear for me, and yet... and yet. Being aware of how quick I am to yell and storm at God when I can't see what he is doing has helped me actually cling to faith faster. This has made the sighs of contentment come faster as I am exactly where I need to be, even if I seldom know what that means.