epic haiku: From the trenches of the Midland Library: Male vs. Female communication methods, part one

June 21, 2006

From the trenches of the Midland Library: Male vs. Female communication methods, part one

I have been promising this blog for awhile. One of my favorite pet research hobbies is male and female communication methods and how their differences in perception tends to eke chaos instead of the productive trade of information. I read an article in People recommending a book called VoiceMale by Neil Chethik, so I wrote it down on my little Dia:Beacon pad I bought in New York and next time I was at the library I purposed to find it. Unfortunately it was checkout, so I grabbed some other stuff while I was thinking about it.

The first thing I read was A Knight in Shining Armor: Understanding Men's Romantic Illusions by Harvey Hornstein, Ph.D. (which you can currently get for a penny on Amazon). This deals with the problem's caused by men having unrealistic expectations of how they should behave in a relationship and how their romantic female interest should respond. He breaks this down into three definitions that he groups under something he calls "Man Servant-Syndrome."

When a man fulfills his perceived duties of servant hood he will be rewarded with what Hornstein cringingly refers to again and again as "bounty" and "libidinal bounty" at that. It really is a form of male chauvinism. By placing women on such a high pedestal it become in possible to see her as someone who can be an equal in the relationship. She can not give to the "Man-Servant" because all he can perceive is gratitude. She can not support him or "guard his back" as it were because he can not relax around her, he is always on duty to serve, and ironically, by serving he becomes dominant.

Hornstein says:

"Male dominance is a myth that feeds the fantasies of men and women caught up in their respective syndromes...Men's formal, external, in-the world power is offset by women's informal, internal between-people power...because men's domination of women rests on the belief that the latter have the, as yet, undelivered power to give them the life that they want, women have counter power." pg. 42

There are three distinct manifestations of "Man-Servant:"

1. The Minister-- Worshiping Women

"Ministers are seeks or an affirmative answer to the question 'Am I a good provider?'...the standards that they are trying to achieve are elusive...regardless of how much loving joy women may put into their response, doubts persist and the ministers never feel satisfied... In the end, they deal with their disappointment by punishing both themselves and the women who they turned into goddessess " pg. 48
They do for women.

2. The Educator-- Guiding Women

"Educators treat women as if they need to be hoisted to their feet and supported, and want men to do it for them... [they] focus on the inadequacies they see in women. Their only aim, these men proclaim, is to help women realize their real potential by making up for their unfortunate lacks." pg. 61
They do to women.

3. The Lancelot-- Dazzling Women

"Lancelots take over, manage, and protect...[they] perform in order to titillate, excite, and lure women...[they] embrace a 'to the winner goes the spoils' mentality, which depicts women as 'the spoils': Women are powerless, passive pawns who automatically give their affirming, magical favor to the knight with the winning lance." pg. 76
They do in front of women.

There are three stages of a relationship with a "Man-Servant:"

1. Wanting and Serving
2. Disillusionment and Blame
3. Rage and Oppression

The following are excerpts from the book that stood out to me as significant. For instance, pertaining to women and the workplace: "The genderfication of work victimizes women while paradoxically increasing men's sense of vulnerability." pg.120

"The [men that are comfortable with themselves] are free to be men because they do not feel compelled to act like men." pg. 138 In the words of John and Paul: "Let it be."

"women's culturally driven dependency, which men have historically fostered and exploited, is not simply a burden for women. It is also a beacon for men who feel the pull of man-servant syndrome." pg. 139 This theme continues below in the testimony of one women's experience:

He had to be a man. Can you understand that?I sensed that was where it was for him. At the time I thought so-- later to be proved wrong --very wrong-- I may have created a Frankenstein, but I learned my lesson.... Probably it started with him stopping for my car. Like I told you, it had been broken down and I was doing this number "Oh, you're such a good mechanic." Which was exactly true.
('If he is a good mechanic, what's wrong with telling him that?')
What's wrong? Why it's not the mechanic that I was talking to, if you see what I mean. It was the ma-an. I was flipping my eyes, swishing my hips-- it wasn't what I was saying. It was what I was saying: 'You big man, me little girl!' And from there on, that man had to live up to it. He tried-- impossible--no. pg. 140

"In their relationships with women men affected by the syndrome understand giving to mean doing. Doing is what acting as a man means. Doing earns what a woman has to give. Doing is part of the exchange. Its purpose is instrumental-- to get something from a women in return-- and does not involve selflessly sharing part of oneself." pg. 145 Whenever I read up on male and female differences the emphasis on male doing is pronounced.

One musicians story of his transition out of man-servant syndrome:

She was a very fine woman; the best...[she said] I wasn't there... in feeling, touching --inside-- you know? It was all outside... she said, 'You bring home surprises' little gifts, a flower, something special 'but those are things... outside things... inside you are not there'... there was a need to make her proud. I wanted to be special for this fine woman... I was going to bring home the bacon, just like any blue-suit, Wall-Street, red-blooded, American-capitalist, male, top-floor-office executive...it could be money, but bacon is bacon, man. It's just stuff to eat. It's a thing that men give women --on the table, in bed, jewelry, [like saying] 'Don't worry your pretty little head.' I was sick and I didn't know it. Filled with... a social disease. I got it from something... and I didn't know. I thought it was healthy... So, I said to myself, I am not going to lose this fine woman... I cried, and opened up, like never before. We went on to five, six in the morning. Just like starting over again. She love me, you see, and I wasn't there. Hey, how could I be --no one could love me I had such negatives about {he pounded his chest with his fist, indicating that he had "negative" feelings about himself}. I had to give her things because I couldn't give myself. How could I give something like that? I was not really making it... No bacon. pgs. 146-147

And Hornsteins eloquent plea at the end of the book to "End the silence."

Not all giving is an exchange. Let us speak against the false doctrine of instrumental intimacy which proclaims that men take care of the material and physical world by doing for, to, and in front of women, while in exchange, women take care of the emotional world by smoothing it's turbulent, jagged edges for men. And when the exchange fails, as it inevitably must, let us boldly expose the disillusionment, blame, rage, and oppression that is expressed in men's complaining, angry shout, 'After all I did for her!'
End the silence.
...
Shout it out: Prince Charming had problems too!
End the silence.

End the silence.

End the silence. pgs. 158-159

Now, don't get diagnostic at least until you've read the book, since most men have a bit of each of the above in them without it in anyway being even close to a disorder. But if there duo seem to be discrepancies between his perception of reality and yours that legitimately go past male/female communication issues, you may want to read the book. This really all comes down to the struggle and subsequent misplacement of masculine identity. Ladies, don't roll your eyes and say "men" cursingly under your breath. If you think about it, there are many parallels to what I am describing and female expectations of how they think they should act to get the "bounty" they want from men. Remove the mote, if you will. Guys, if something sounds to familiar, you may also want to read the book.

Essentially the point is learning to be vulnerable and selfless, which, especially if you are a Christian, you should be working towards anyway. One of the worst thing a women can do to a man she is in really any kind of relationship with is to validate false perceptions of feminine. We are neither goddess or whore, mother or bitch, we are all and none, we are humans containing feminine biology and instincts. Our brains are wired differently, we have different body parts, but in the words of Terence "Homo sum: humani nil a me alienum puto." and for those of you who do not read Latin: "I a human being, so nothing human is strange to me."

If you listen enough and are willing to openly discuss things with the opposite gender, bridges can be made. I think the most crucial moment in my life of realizing that there was an analogy between EVERY difference between men and women came one late night study session with a friend of mine. He stuck his hand down his pants to, uh, scratch, and I was, of course, like "ewwwww, why did you do that in front of me?!" He pointed out that it was four in the morning, we had been sitting studying for hours and "asking a guy not to scratch himself is like asking a girl not to adjust her bra." Well, I have to admit, I really got that. Connections between male versus female reality are made all the time, we just have to reach out for them.

Next time, what I thought of VoiceMale, which is much a much more fun topic and just as interesting.
Posted by Deke at June 21, 2006 06:24 AM | TrackBack

Comments

I like your approach: differences exist but aren't limiting.

The differences between men and women confuse me sometimes, because so many times my girl friends have "masculine" (i.e. universal/objective, rational, minimal emotion) takes on the world while guys are continually surprising me with a "feminine" (i.e., community-oriented, personal, contextualized) approach. So I guess while differences do exist, they aren't always the ones we were expecting. And while I'd never be able to perfectly understand another individual human being's perspective, I can come close enough to make practical relationship possible.

At least, that's my working theory.

Posted by: funke at June 21, 2006 06:51 PM