reflections and findings
Hope gave words to something I have been feeling lately but unable to really articulate.
I've been cleaning out every cranny of my past in the sense of physical representation. Learning to put things in trash cans I never thought I would part with, because I am someone else now... or at least someone who values different things.
I found this poem from second semester my freshman year. I wish I could just hug this girl, because I realize now the pain I was in and wish I had let myself feel it at the time. I think I could have stopped some of it from happening.
(January 30, 2003)
Last night _____ ripped apart my world.
He wasn't trying to harm me
He was giving me honesty
but was he effective?
my sweetness has curdled
the door closed
his window is bigger
he's farther away
but more real then ever
I know where I stand
but I feel so lost
it's so dark in here
and I am so scared
I can't believe how vulnerable that was and how weak I allowed myself to become.
I also found this, which blows my mind because I wish I was bold enough to write like this all the time:
11.08.04
I came to this place
frustrated by the trying,
ready to open the eyes I have closed
perhaps for too long
perhaps not long enough.
Finding familiars rib cages
in people I never noticed before.
Wondering if I only fall in love with people who happen
to be men.
From men,
the scent of aftershave,
the eyes that linger.
I wonder what makes me a woman.
Is it the biological
or can the adjectives be derived from the functions?
The pain of menstruation,
the hormonal backlog
the delicacy of the "condition"
of the flow of blood.
Things men don't have,
but they can't take the symbolism from me.
It's not the penis that I envy,
it's the nonchalance -
the passivity,
that drives me crazy
because it can't be mine.
I can't not care
about what I do need.
People will always be people.
I will always be myself
and I may never have another half.
Cricket and I shared some poetry the other night... seemed like it was time to let some stuff out of the bag, even if it's not my most recent stuff.
Posted by Deke at July 8, 2006 05:24 PM
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