Today was odd. I was so tired and I went to work this afternoon and wished my brain would shut down because finally I had time to think and process all the things
floating there,
and it seemed that they were just floating there. One of those moments when you need to get away from yourself. In a way it was good to take a moment, look at myself and realize, yes, I do get depressed.
I talked to a friend earlier in the week about some of the things that have been happening to me and that I am working so hard on acknowledging that they are big deals. No matter how private or seemingly irrelivent to the scope of the pain in the world at large, this is my pain. I think I have a hard time claiming that, especially because I am in such a good place. I feel like I am not allowed to be claim my own emotions if they are negative since I am exactly were God wants me to be. Job was exactly were God wanted him to be... that sucked. So I am working through that... the sucking in the midst of glory. I am so confused and so okay with that, just don't try and get me to define it.
(The title is a tribute to the Jman, for those of you who should know that and are slow.)
The things I have become the most aware of about myself in the last year is how loved I am and how hard it is for me to show anger. These things go hand in hand as I am unable to recoginize love when I am in denial of my anger. Also, when I deny anger I am not able to be honest with the people I love. This has been huge. I am learning to tell people point blank when I need space, learning to reach out when I do need them and generally just being.
On my cell phone since this summer I have as my "banner" one word: etre- the French for be. I picked this creed up from the wonderful film by Krzysztof Kieslowski, Red. The end (which I finally made it to after falling asleep twice, I think, trying to finish it... once with Katzman) is summed up with a plea from one protaginist to the other to just be- just be.
To be one must know what one needs. I have been told this is something I am good at, but I am realizing that many area's of my life I am definitly not good at this. I started making a list of things I need in my head and the main one is clarity. I need to be clear about my relationships with the people, things, and responsiblities around me. Who is the "third person" that makes up the essense of a relationship with another person? Why do I keep so many glass bottles? Do they mean anything? Am I responsible to keep everything I can concieve a possible future use for? These things have been known to plague me. As much as I have learned to master my thoughts and feelings in regards to anxiety, I feel like I perhaps may have gained a new "belt" so to speak in my self-awarness skills.
Something else I have realized that is tied to all of this is how angry I am with God in moments when I should have faith. I see so clearly in retrospect how He has made His paths clear for me, and yet... and yet. Being aware of how quick I am to yell and storm at God when I can't see what he is doing has helped me actually cling to faith faster. This has made the sighs of contentment come faster as I am exactly where I need to be, even if I seldom know what that means.