epic haiku

blah blah Thorn blah blah Tom Waits Blah

Thorn will and must be finished tonight. I have ten pages left to format, need to number them, double check them, make and index, figure out what my little "essay from the editor" will actually say, figure out if I do or don't want an image on the cover, figure out the title page... make it beautiful and narly, etc.

Listening to Greybird: The Office Demo a lot this week. I am not sure... but I may like this version of Lunita better than the new one... it's softer. Also breaking in the most amazing Bone Machine which I think, over all is, my new favorite Tom Waits album next to Mule Variations.

This trip has been amazing. Today I drove over the river with Catie and almost teared up. I can't believe it's going to be almost six months until I am back here... I left my heart in Chattanooga.

Next up: Boston! Boston! Boston! Boston! Boston! Boston!

men's figure skating favorites

Before the power went out last night I wanted to blog a bit about Men's Figure Skating. I never really liked it until the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City, when Alexei Yagudin and Evgeny Plushenko went head to head in a battle for the gold. The best skating I have ever seen in my life. You can actually watch Yagudin's long program here and Plushenko's long program here from those very games.

Yagudin won gold that year, and later, in the extra "free skate" that was purely for fun, he also proved how very good looking he is during a very quick costume change.

Last night Plushenko finally won his gold. It was wonderful to see him perform again, but with no one else even coming close to his talent, it was bitter sweet. I think the next Winter Olympics (when I am 27!) will have some steeper competition.

My over all favorite performance of the night was Evan Lysacek who overcame incredible odds to pull off a flawless performance (read about it here) and get forth place. (I loved how he and Plushenko wore coordinating black costumes with red accents.) I think he will be the man to beat next time. You can watch his amazing performance from last night here.

old fashioned modern world

The power went out last night. We are just far enough outside of the city for that to be a problem. We wont have power again until Sunday. We do have a generator though, and while we are heating the house via wood burning and candles (I have an oil lamp in my room too) I do have just enough electricity to be online... ah, the modern world.

what i'm eating these days

So, much like my darling Jess I am unable to eat really anything these days. Yesterday when I puked it was not solids. I am living mainly on Bolthouse juices. We have an excellent juicer, but my mother and I, in a moment of cruel honesty, admitted we do not have the energy to juice. I am also not going to drink anymore carrot juice, because I had to drink so so so much of it in high school (nothing has more vitamin A). So, these are my favorite. Vedge is a great meal, it's full of veggies and a great way to get vitamins. It's sort of like drinking really good tomato soup. I also love C-Boost (tropical fruit yumness), Green Goodness (they disguise the veggie taste... so it's sort of like a sour apple jolly rancher with no added sugar), and finally, the one, the only Perfectly Protein (which tastes like eggnog with cinnamon to me).

This is what I consume with perhaps some sort of bowl of fiber intense cereal or every few days some salmon or scrabbled eggs. Fiber is really important right now so that my stomach doesn't have to overwork.  I am also taking the wonderfully fiberful Metamucil tablets which I can feel when they hit my stomach and sort of explode. It feels weird, sort of like being tickled inside out. So, I am doing well over all, I just have to be careful not to be to physically active or put anything fatty or hard to digest on my stomach.

Do we have a diagnosis yet? Are you kidding? Probably Non-peptic dyspepsia of the stomach lining along with some sort of viral infection in my chest. I haven't gotten the results back from my chest x-ray, but hopefully there will be more clues there. I feel progress slowly creeping forward.

ten times fast

So, today was very good, followed by very bad, followed by very good.

I woke up with energy, which was really just deception. I got out of bed, put on the Distillers really loud and pretended to be Brody Dale for a little while.

I went down stairs, took all my meds WAaaaaaaaAaay to fast with my dumb confidence about feeling well. Got comfortable down stairs in the basement ready to watch some That 70's Show .... and threw up in the trash can. It was horrible because for a little while I felt like I was in control of my body again, and no, it came crashing down. I end up puking (dad rushing around trying to find a not filled with broken glass and paper trash can), holding my own freaking hair back, and then just bursting into tears crying, like a little girl, over my puke. I spent the rest of the day on the couch, but thankfully I had That 70's Show to make me laugh.

The evening though was nice because I got to cuddle with my mummy on the couch for a long time, and then I worked on my sculpture and it's coming along very well. I also had one of my wonderful mind blowing conversations with Linnea. We decided officially that I am her phone boyfriend and she is mine. We also talked a lot about how much we both played pretend as a child. A lot people, a lot. So, that made me happy. Now I must seek sweet sleep.

Seek sweet sleep. Say that ten times fast.

I Am A Revenant

Since it's Valentines, the most middle schoolish of all holidays, let's regress to middle school. I didn't act like a middle schooler while I was one, so I feel I earn this little moment of angst. To everyone who ever said they loved me, and were lying through their teeth and actions, to everyone who ever was supposed to protect me, to everyone who tried to wreck my family, to everyone who didn't believe me, a little middle school pop for you. For everyone who is my valentine (you know who you are.... and if you are questioning whether you are or not, you probably are) this is for you. A little heartbreak, a little passion.

Tonight I have a date with Mrs. Ault. We are going to have tea and catch up. She's one of my "other mothers" and a good friend to boot. We figured Valentines was as good as any time. Makes me happy.

Lately, as I get older, sometimes being here brings a rage I wouldn't let myself feel when I was younger. Vindication comes from God, vengence belongs to God, but my rage I give to my poetry and the rock and roll as a prayer.

And I leave you with the lyrics to my favorite Distillers song:

Another year has passed and I'm alright
I lick the salt from my wounds and run into the night
Well it's unknown
Why collusion goes on
It rapes like betrayal
And I am rotting in the squalor of some

Do you remember the rage?
I remember the hate
I remember that it rained for years
And the blood had left a stain
hey!

You say I got karma to collect
I dig my grave
And I'm here waiting for some kind of check
And if I get one, I'll hold my breath
I rack my spine
It takes a year for you to warrant a test
As the years go by I won't cry
It's the year you walked into my life
I will despise

We are the revenants
Whoa, we will rise up from the dead
We become the living
We've come back to reclaim our stolen breath
[Repeat 5x]

Another year has passed and I'm alright
I lick the salt from my wounds and run into the night
Run into the night
Run into the night
Run into the night
Run into the night
<

luge away your cares

I'm sitting in my basement watching the luge on the Olympics. I find the gliding of steel over ice soothing and all the cold white snow calming.  It's like a bath for my brain. I am sooo watching the pairs skaters tonight. I am going to set up a little station down here tonight and work on my sculpture... made entirely of glue. It's going to be sweet. I will be also watching *gasp!* the Bachelor, since, as I confessed earlier, I am in love with Moana. I subjected Jon to it last week.

I got my X-Ray today. I just went in the hospital all by myself, filled out the forms, waited (while reading the latest gossip on Brad and Jen), got the X-Ray and left. A very adult moment. I drove around town a little bit and ended up stopping at a local art gallery on Main Street. Talked to the lady working there for a little while. She has a Ph.D in Anthropology (once upon a time I wanted to get my Ph.D. in Anthro) and is an Art Historian. I asked her what she thought of John Baldessari and if I could give information on the gallery to a friend (nudge nudge). It was good to get out and feel a little more alive, but after standing for about a half and hour I was pretty worn out. Still delicate, but gathering strength. I am encouraged.

leaving

Go ahead,
try.
Try and hit me
as I shatter
into a thousand tiny golden
leaves,
each singing my hymn to life
skillfully dodging your
bullet.

I have been meaning to start posting my poetry here. I haven't actually been procrastinating, I've been deliberating. I have decided not to put any of my poetry in this years Thorn, but to put in one or two of my photographs and write a small essay on what I believe Thorn represents. We'll see how that works out. Feel free to comment, rip apart etc the poetry I place here.

italian soda and razor edges

Tonight I ended up at my favorite coffee shop with my parents after an odd string of events mostly involving them trying to get me out of the house... or get me to start talking or stop crying or just move. I think I was actually depressed today. Not sad, but just pissed off at how I can't do anything that would help me feel like I was accomplishing ANYTHING. My job right now is to be sick, and earlier I was displeased with my job.

So anyway, we are at the coffee shop and I nod over at this one corner table and tell them how that was were I was sitting when I stuck my tongue in my ex's ear... in a failed attempt to get him to break concentration during a staring contest. Did not work. That's probably the funniest memory. I have so many there, and it was really nice to be there in it's amazing atmosphere (despite being in Midland). I can't go there by myself though, because I might run into someone I hate. I just don't have the energy to mask my true feelings at this point about anything.

It was really good though to just sit and talk with my parents about all that's been on my mind lately. This time off has been good for me to really think about what I am doing with my life and what I want. I am on the right course, but sometimes I feel like I am walking on a razors edge between extremes of totally off course... or am close to making a wrong decision. Prayer is paramount.

In other news, I love cell phones and free weekend minutes. Got to have some good talk time. Earl, though, will not be able to go with me to Europe after all. This is really sad, but more for her since I still get to go to Europe and she's going to get hundreds of postcards from me, which, while cool, is not the same. We are both flying out to visit the Boston 5N chapter of existence in March though, so that will be fun.... in the most extreme sense of the word. I am so glad I have friends who are not afraid of me when I am pissed off.