June 21, 2006
From the trenches of the Midland Library: Male vs. Female communication methods, part one
I have been promising this blog for awhile. One of my favorite pet research hobbies is male and female communication methods and how their differences in perception tends to eke chaos instead of the productive trade of information. I read an article in People recommending a book called VoiceMale by Neil Chethik, so I wrote it down on my little Dia:Beacon pad I bought in New York and next time I was at the library I purposed to find it. Unfortunately it was checkout, so I grabbed some other stuff while I was thinking about it.
The first thing I read was A Knight in Shining Armor: Understanding Men's Romantic Illusions by Harvey Hornstein, Ph.D. (which you can currently get for a penny on Amazon). This deals with the problem's caused by men having unrealistic expectations of how they should behave in a relationship and how their romantic female interest should respond. He breaks this down into three definitions that he groups under something he calls "Man Servant-Syndrome."
When a man fulfills his perceived duties of servant hood he will be rewarded with what Hornstein cringingly refers to again and again as "bounty" and "libidinal bounty" at that. It really is a form of male chauvinism. By placing women on such a high pedestal it become in possible to see her as someone who can be an equal in the relationship. She can not give to the "Man-Servant" because all he can perceive is gratitude. She can not support him or "guard his back" as it were because he can not relax around her, he is always on duty to serve, and ironically, by serving he becomes dominant.
Hornstein says:
There are three distinct manifestations of "Man-Servant:"
- "Ministers are seeks or an affirmative answer to the question 'Am I a good provider?'...the standards that they are trying to achieve are elusive...regardless of how much loving joy women may put into their response, doubts persist and the ministers never feel satisfied... In the end, they deal with their disappointment by punishing both themselves and the women who they turned into goddessess " pg. 48
- They do for women.
- "Educators treat women as if they need to be hoisted to their feet and supported, and want men to do it for them... [they] focus on the inadequacies they see in women. Their only aim, these men proclaim, is to help women realize their real potential by making up for their unfortunate lacks." pg. 61
- They do to women.
- "Lancelots take over, manage, and protect...[they] perform in order to titillate, excite, and lure women...[they] embrace a 'to the winner goes the spoils' mentality, which depicts women as 'the spoils': Women are powerless, passive pawns who automatically give their affirming, magical favor to the knight with the winning lance." pg. 76
- They do in front of women.
2. Disillusionment and Blame
3. Rage and Oppression
The following are excerpts from the book that stood out to me as significant. For instance, pertaining to women and the workplace: "The genderfication of work victimizes women while paradoxically increasing men's sense of vulnerability." pg.120
"The [men that are comfortable with themselves] are free to be men because they do not feel compelled to act like men." pg. 138 In the words of John and Paul: "Let it be."
"women's culturally driven dependency, which men have historically fostered and exploited, is not simply a burden for women. It is also a beacon for men who feel the pull of man-servant syndrome." pg. 139 This theme continues below in the testimony of one women's experience:
('If he is a good mechanic, what's wrong with telling him that?')
What's wrong? Why it's not the mechanic that I was talking to, if you see what I mean. It was the ma-an. I was flipping my eyes, swishing my hips-- it wasn't what I was saying. It was what I was saying: 'You big man, me little girl!' And from there on, that man had to live up to it. He tried-- impossible--no. pg. 140
"In their relationships with women men affected by the syndrome understand giving to mean doing. Doing is what acting as a man means. Doing earns what a woman has to give. Doing is part of the exchange. Its purpose is instrumental-- to get something from a women in return-- and does not involve selflessly sharing part of oneself." pg. 145 Whenever I read up on male and female differences the emphasis on male doing is pronounced.
One musicians story of his transition out of man-servant syndrome:
End the silence.
...
Shout it out: Prince Charming had problems too!
End the silence.
Now, don't get diagnostic at least until you've read the book, since most men have a bit of each of the above in them without it in anyway being even close to a disorder. But if there duo seem to be discrepancies between his perception of reality and yours that legitimately go past male/female communication issues, you may want to read the book. This really all comes down to the struggle and subsequent misplacement of masculine identity. Ladies, don't roll your eyes and say "men" cursingly under your breath. If you think about it, there are many parallels to what I am describing and female expectations of how they think they should act to get the "bounty" they want from men. Remove the mote, if you will. Guys, if something sounds to familiar, you may also want to read the book.
Essentially the point is learning to be vulnerable and selfless, which, especially if you are a Christian, you should be working towards anyway. One of the worst thing a women can do to a man she is in really any kind of relationship with is to validate false perceptions of feminine. We are neither goddess or whore, mother or bitch, we are all and none, we are humans containing feminine biology and instincts. Our brains are wired differently, we have different body parts, but in the words of Terence "Homo sum: humani nil a me alienum puto." and for those of you who do not read Latin: "I a human being, so nothing human is strange to me."
If you listen enough and are willing to openly discuss things with the opposite gender, bridges can be made. I think the most crucial moment in my life of realizing that there was an analogy between EVERY difference between men and women came one late night study session with a friend of mine. He stuck his hand down his pants to, uh, scratch, and I was, of course, like "ewwwww, why did you do that in front of me?!" He pointed out that it was four in the morning, we had been sitting studying for hours and "asking a guy not to scratch himself is like asking a girl not to adjust her bra." Well, I have to admit, I really got that. Connections between male versus female reality are made all the time, we just have to reach out for them.
Next time, what I thought of VoiceMale, which is much a much more fun topic and just as interesting.
June 19, 2006
can one register for a two week stay at a hotel?
<<DISCLAIMER>>
If you are getting married in the next two years, or got married in the last two years, don't take this personally, it's just my mind reeling from all the nuptials.
<<END DISCLAIMER>>
So. Seems silly not to blog about this, and it seems silly to blog about this, but since it's that time of night where I throw caution to the wind while being egged on by my partner in insomnia, the Katzmonster (this post didn't delete itself, btw, David, it just hid itself from my view).
And now, a brief glance into the world of the Katzman/Lodico late night IMing sessions:
David: now go lick the flagpole
...
Just to review, I am not a normal girl about "these" sorts of things. In highschool it was noted by one J. Chaz Ault (aka J.Croe, aka, Jonathan Charles, etc) that it was weird that I didn't want to go to Hawaii for my honeymoon. I was actually pretty adamant about it. When I was dating Christopher we actually got into a big fight about how there was "no freaking way" I would want to use his parents time share in Maui for my honeymoon. "No freaking way! Why don't we just bring your parents WITH us?" Etc. The point is, ever since I was like, eleven, I have wanted to go to Dromoland Castle, in Country Clare, Ireland (which, btw, is still an island last time I checked). Now, since my soul would die if I married for money, I doubt I will actually be able to go there for my honeymoon, but since everyone and their freaking dog is getting married these days (thank you Anna for officially ending my childhood...) I remembered this small little dream of mine and thought I should share it. Anyone want to start a fund to cover the $500 a night it will cost? I am shooting for two weeks people. No no no, don't worry about the fact that I am currently without a prospective groom (yes, Katzman and I are still NOT going to get married, tell the people David), let's get the important things in order while there are still reservation possibilities! Yes... I am a normal girl when it comes to "those" kinds of things (aka, having everything planned by the time I was, well, eleven). Wedding stuff stresses me out. I was counting up all the weddings in the next two years and I was like "whoa" and seriously people, we all know that number is going to go up. (This is why I am going to elope. shhhhhhhhhhhh, don't tell anyone.)
Just so we are clear on how gorgeous and idyllic this place is, a picture:
So, make your checks out to "Natalie Lodico's Dream Honeymoon Fund to Keep Her Childhood Dreams Alive" and send them to me.
June 17, 2006
Trees are the Enemy... and further tails of Manhattan
Today I could have died. Kirsten and I hit the trails at about 10:30 this morning and really tried hard not to fall off. The city forest has these amazing mountain bike trails, but they are not for the faint of heart. At some places there is barely enough room between trees to fit my handle bars through, and frequently these situations happen at sharp curves. I have a great "tree" burn, if you will, on my left arm from scraping up against some bark in just such a place. There are also placed that go down suddenly, sharply, and towards a creek (not a tiny creek, a good sized one, thank you). If you are not on your game and make sure you are turning with the very tiny trail, you will end up IN the creek... with the rocks. We finished and I realized I wasn't breathing deep enough to get sufficient oxygen to my brain, so we took a minute, made sure I wasn't going to pass out, and did it again. Getting back on the horse and all that. So so so fun. I may go back tomorrow.
We could be heard swearing loudly throughout the forest. We had several interesting exchanges, as follows:
Kirsten: [yelping/screaming noise]
Me: Reverse trajectory!
Kirsten: Be careful!
Me: Motherf*cklove!
Kirsten: Are you still alive?!
We also talked about how perhaps we should have played more video games for our eye hand coordination, then decided if you played video games you most likely had an ass made of marshmallow and wouldn't be able to do this course anyway, especially, Kirsten asserted, since there are no quantum physics involved in. This confused me, but she explained that even if there was a video game of this trail they wouldn't feel the jarring that takes place riding over tree roots, piles of logs, bridges and rocks... or in one instance, snakes. This may not make sense to you, but it was perfectly logical at the time.
After all this we went back to our respective houses, showered, and met at the local Indian restaurant (Kirsten's idea), Cafe Tandoori. Such a good lunch. After this I went, got blood drawn for some tests, dropped stuff off at the post office, picked up my pictures, and spent some time working through my pictures and dealing with my email backlog, before then picking up my mother, going to get one of my prescriptions and hitting a garage sale. All this on five hours of sleep and a dull headache. After that I took a much needed three hour nap.
So.... would you like to see my pictures? Yes? Well okay.
First of all there is this self-portrait I took in the bathroom at PS1 in Queens. I though you all needed to see my "fierce" face, since it's the one I had on most of the morning on that damn trail. Morty wants me to do a self-portrait series, so, here is a start I guess. Also, I love my hair right now, so there is no threat of me doing the bald thing anytime soon. I just thought certain people (mostly named Jose) would appreciate that. Granted, this may displease Eb, but I am used to dealing with that.
So, this time I just sort of wrote the stories with the captions, so use the links below the pictures to read about what they are.
Liz Tubergen also has an awesome picture of this statue entitled "The Virgin Birth" here, on her Flickr.
More of these here.
Little India, riding the subway, etc.
Just look at this, the density of the blacks and whites, it's almost abstract. I can't stop staring.
How intoxicating is Linnea? So freaking intoxicating.
All my ladies.
See the rest of this set here.
Battery Park at Dusk: Lynnette Progression
See the rest of this set here.
Yes, there are more coming at some point. Someday. When money grows on trees that are not the enemy.
June 10, 2006
further proof. and story time.
I didn't expect my pictures to be ready today! I am getting them developed in groups so that my parents don't die from the expense.
Here is a sampling and some related stories:
Kati, Liz, Meredith and I (eye, behind the camera), in SoHo, just after leaving the Apple Store, and right before going to Prada.
Crazy sculpture on the roof of the Met.
I love the composition of this, even if it's not the most flattering of Meredith. I have more flattering ones of here in the albums (see below), check them out. She's got beautiful hands, no?
I just really need to take a moment and say that Meredith was one of the most important parts of the trip. Since we both stayed home this past semester we were able to really empathize with each other. I have never had that before, someone who really got the ups and downs of fatigue. The whole trip I knew she had my back, that meant everything. Honestly, we all had each others backs (Morty was good at setting that up as a platform for relating to each other), but there was something special between us "sickies," if you will. I've never had someone to really stand beside me in this way of just silent acknowledgement of the struggle to move forward. It gave me a new confidence in who I am as a chronically sick person. I have never let being sick stand between me and what and who I want to be with my life, and now I feel like I really can be and do whatever God would want regardless of the obstacle. I am trying to really savor that feeling. Oh, and I also learned I don't have to do it alone. Linnea and I had this exhausting day of basically riding the subway and at the end she was late for her bus and my foot was all effed up and I was slowing us down and I asked if she wanted to go ahead without me and she said: "I need to remember my priorities" and the trip was about us, and we stuck it out until the end and while the day was frustrating, that gesture was incredibly significant to me. To take good care of the ones I love, I know how to do that, but to really allow myself to feel well taken care of, I am still adjusting to that. So thanks New York. Thanks Meredith and Linnea.
I couldn't resist also adding this one of Liz after she finally made it into this tree in Central Park. I have so many great Liz memories from May. She rocked my socks off, made sure we saw all the coolest art in the Chelsea galleries, and helped me lug all my crap to the bus the morning I had to catch my flight back to Michigan. I think the best Liz moment was when she and I went with Meredith to Serendipity on the Upper East Side and spent waaaaaaaaay to much money, like forty bucks, on two ice cream Sundays and three esperessos. Liz, who was totally broke, started laughing when we got the bill and said: "This was still totally worth it and that's our story." And you know what? It totally was. Best damned Sunday I have ever had and most likely ever will. We couldn't even finish them. We were so sad about that but so so so full and sugar high.
This picture incorporates so many of my favorite things. Black and white photography, night photography, roller coasters, NYC history... they are tearing down the amusement park and putting up condos. Soon, it really will just be a ghost left there.
Marianne, Meredith, Amy and Scott. It was Scott's birthday and I really REALLY wanted to go to Coney Island. It ended up being a good was to celebrate.
We bought Scott a famous Nathan's hot dog and later, a cupcake. So we rode the Q through Brooklyn and finally got there after dark. We stuck together and avoided possible negative outcomes. After this we jumped back on the Q and raced to get to Magnolia Bakery before it closed at 11:30. We just barely made it. Such good cupcakes!
This is a picture of Amsterdam Ave and 104th Street, from the second story Balcony of our Hostel. We hung out here a lot. We had a meeting out there one day and I was framing this shot in my mind. After we wrapped up I ran back to my room to grab my camera (also on the second floor). I passed Morty and he asked if I forgot something "Nope, just need to take the pictures I was mentally noting during your lecture." He did this hand gesture thing and was like: "Natalie, you, you're, you are just, just, you are wild." I laughed: "What do you mean by 'wild?' How am I wild?" "Well" he replied, "I wanted to say weird but that just seemed awkward." This made me laugh a lot. Yes. Yes I am weird. I am okay with that.
I have three albums up on facebook and for now they are open for everyone to see. (Yeah, I just realized I could do that.)
I will add more to them as I get my pictures back. Also, there is a poker night from back in April that I am still waiting to get back. Never fear guys, never fear.
June 09, 2006
Proof I was in NYC
So, Lynnette has provided the proof that I, in fact, existed on the island of Manhattan for three weeks.
Linnea and I... what is she going on about now? ^_~
me, Linnea and Ryan in Little India.
Me, in Queens.
Most likely ranting about personality theory down at Battery Park at sunset.
The most beautiful Amy Sue/ Wiggins: I am shooting her in the park.
I put my first batch in to be developed. So, soon love, soon, there will be pictures by moi. In the mean time, Lynnette's kick booty-kong (we don't know what that means, but it is very good).
June 04, 2006
NYC Quote
"Natalie, why did we grow up? It was a bad plan."