December 21, 2006
Apocalypto
I saw Apocalypto last night... or the night before now. It rocked my world. Very tight film. Lots of good reviews. Amazing visuals, lots of blood, just the way I like it. Integrity. Always the seeling point of a film with me. Lot's of integrity and amazing acting skill. Mel's got it going on. So intense and beautiful. It was funny too. The opening scene alone is worth the admission price. I mean, haven't you ever wondered how the ancients discussed balls?
December 03, 2006
The trick is living without an answer. I think.
i don't like the dark room this year. there is either something wrong with my camera or something wrong with the dark room or something wrong with me. all semester Morty and i have been trying to figure out what the monkey is going on, but it's discouraging and has made me doubt my abilities. I have this great idea for my SIP that expands and contracts on my previous idea's, but I have to be able to actually make things that don't suck first. And have money to get my colour prints blown up. *sigh* It's all about the money. What happened to the days when I just wanted to go to Africa and save the babies? Oh, that would have taken money too. Right.
I've also been thinking a lot about self. How we perceive ourselves, how i perceive myself, how much energy it takes to try and be known by someone else and how frustrating relating is even in the best moment. Right now i am in a very non verbal mood. I have a lot to say, and I am grateful to type it out, but the thought of trying to get immediate feedback via conversation makes me want to cry just because I am soooooo tired in my head.
I watched Thumbsucker this week, and I just watched it with the commentary. It's an existential film about just letting yourself be. Sometimes we are so worried about becoming that we forget to just be. "Be still and know." I think that's one reason I don't fear death, because the finality of being with and in Jesus has always been so real to me, but sometimes taking steps like getting dressed for the day and all the existential dilemma that that entails makes me want never leave the house... especially when I am end of the semester tired like I am now. Second guessing. I don't think I would know myself if I didn't do it.
Justin Cobb: We have to overcome the idea that everyone is the same.
Dr. Perry Lyman: I stopped trying to be anything. I accepted myself and all of my human disorder. You might wanna do the same.
Dr. Perry Lyman: That's 'cause we all wanna be problemless. To fix ourselves. We look for some magic solution to make us all better, but none of us really know what we're doing. And why is that so bad? That's all we humans can do. Guess. Try. Hope. But, Justin, just pray you don't fool yourself into thinking you've got the answer. Because that's bullshit. The trick is living without an answer. I think.
I relate that last quote very much to scripture. We have to rest in God's purposes, in his step-by-step guiding light. For us to assume we have the answers is not only arrogant, but self-defeating. Obviously though this needs to be coupled with the faith that we can rest in God's desire for our abundant life. "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."
It's hard though. It's hard to believe, but there is nothing without it. I am so glad it's not up to me. Existential movies make me happy. Living for yourself is exhausting... I am always happier when I am persuaded by the fate-like-ness of loving others. Of pushing for something you believe in outside of self. It's the constant dilemma of the self-reflective hero in movies time and time again. I think of Travis most obviously and of course.
My cousin is dealing with this. She's just been diagnosed with Lupus and she is so sick of all the attention that she has gotten that she just wants to give it away as much attention as possible. She's married with four children.
Sometimes I get really mad at getting sick at the MOST existential time in a persons life, adolescence. My ability to look inward to the point of not knowing how to get back out again at times can be debilitating. But it is. It just is. And while being sick over thanksgiving break really made me angry with myself on a level I don't know if I have been at in a long time... just really loathing my inability to just push through things I think I should be able to push through... like the stomach flu, but I can't, and who really can?
I like the age that I am now because I have the confidence to be childlike again with the ability to be adult-like without fear (or, you know, too much fear). I just want to go play in the dark room and have something turn out well in that magical way that only the darkroom can be for me. I want to not have a head cold and feel like my eyeballs are going to rot out of my head. I want to finish up my cross cultural in a way that shows how AMAZING NYC was for me this past May. I want to have a SIP presentation that does justice to the person I have evolved through since being at Covenant. I believe in these things. I believe in my ability to represent what I love and create.
There is so much here... if I unpacked it all I would probably end up with another SIP.
The director of Thumbsucker said in his commentary over and over that he kept telling his actors not to fear "f*cking up" because once you don't fear failure you don't fear anything. The mistakes can become and organic part of the whole that makes it better. I need to consistently reach for mistakes. I think we need to encourage that in each other more. If we were perfect we wouldn't need each other, and more importantly, we wouldn't need God. We probably wouldn't laugh as much either. So, to the rest of my friends out there trying to finish up this semester with grace... be strong and sin boldly.... and bring me some freaking chicken noodle soup.